I hope this Zoloft deal works...i need all the help i can get, heh. You've seen all those commercials for it w/ the little sighing blob thing? That's me. Attractive eh

Well i havent been sure what to write in this the last couple days so i decided that since im having to keep a daily food log anyway i may as well post it here as well in my little written book. I've now been moved up to 1500 cals, i know that seems like *A LOT* to most of u but dont take offense to any of the things im eating, try to remember(which im also trying to do)that its for my health. I'll start this today, ill update as i eat more...here goes...gawd this is SO much food!

(breakfast) 1/2 big blueberry muffin [200 cals]

(lunch) @ Chipotle- bowl and guac&chips, [540 cals]

(snack) ice cream w/ blueberry topping[260 cals]

Things are going well. I'm just so motivated--I'm ready to take this on. Right now I'm at 800 cals for 3 days, and then my dietician is bumping that up to 1000 for 3+ days, etc. What's scary is, she says I've lost so much that eventually, to get me gaining the weight that i need to, ill have to eat like 3000 cals thats what freaks me out. also right now im not allowed to get any physical activity which i HATE!! argh! but once they start having me eat more cals ill be allowed to work out so 3000 wont be so bad and my weight will move outta the danger zone--as long as i keep looking on the bright side of all this, i think things are gonna get better.

thank you for the support, it means the world to me that u still care!!!

Hey girls. Be prepared for a long, sad story..

There's some new things going on with me and I'm not quite sure how or where to begin.  You know how I've mentioned my parents finding out about ana with out me coming out and saying anything? Well they've decided to take action. And the truth is, I think I do know that I need help. But I didn't think it was this bad. (It's gotten terrible-I'm not exaggerating here).And I'm scared of what's going to happen, because I don't know.

So, my mom set up an appointment for me yesterday with out telling me until yesterday morning around 7:30, since she knew that if she told me I would just freak out and be all stressed and anxious about it. Anyway, the appointment was made at the Lab in the ER or whatever to have blood drawn, an EKG(heart patterns), etc. Why, you ask? The answer should be obvious...she had talked to my doctor while I was away in Mexico. So i went and had the tests done, and slept all afternoon cuz I got all woozy and shit. I was just so angry that things were happening but it didn't really sink in until today.

After lunch we(me, mom, dad) went to see my doc. and discuss everything. I  wasn't really thinking about what was going on till the doctor started in with everything that was about to happen. I got weighed-95 pounds exactly. That's a BMI of 16....I lost 20 pounds since December. I was little and definately not overweight before I lost those 20 pounds, so that was really a big change. Lab tests said my heart beat is extremely low and my magnesium is high-uh oh.

Basically girls, I'm being forced into treatment. I'll hear tomorrow from the specialist in Denver if they feel it necessary to keep me in a hospital for a couple weeks. The hospital!

Can you imagine? The thought alone wrecks my nerves. I'm an emotion mess right now. I can't believe all this is happening. I feel so betrayed!

Friday I have an appointment w/ the psychologist locally- pretty much just to see what kind of pills they're gonna put me on. I've got an ED, depression, anxiety, stress, etc., so my doc. isn't sure what I need. Hence the reason I get to go see the psychologist. Oh joy.

I've never liked the thought of therapy sessions.And now look, I'm gonna end up doing both group therapy sessions AND individual. And I have to see this dietician and physical therapist--this is the real deal. I'm scared out of my mind. What do I do? I have no control here.

I guess maybe it was time. I got in too deep. It's gonna be so hard crawling out of this hole. There's my story, I'll be updating for sure once I have the whole counselors thing figured out. Pray I don't have to say in a bloody hospital. I need to do this as an outpatient thing. PLEASE!!! ahh*cries* I'm so upset. Take care of yourselves girlies, luv ya

---> edit!--------

well the doctor called tonight and said she spoke to the specialist in Denver, i don't have to go there and get hospitalized or anything! YAY! i got so close tho...they said if i were like a pound lighter--ONE pound, i woulda needed to go and stay there...im so thankful. im also exhausted. im gonna go sleep so i can stop thinking. night.

i have something i need to tell you all, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow...but today i'll post my intake:

(breakfast) light n' fit yogurt w/ some raspberries mixed in

(snack) 1/2 jamba juice, (strawberry nirvana w/ a multiboost)

(lunch) wheat thins and spinach dip, small salad w/ dressing, some ff chicken broth, handful of chex mix and handful of baked lays

(snack) other 1/2 jamba juice, 1/2 luna bar

(dinner) taco salad, salsa as the dressing, baked tortilla chips

(snack) other 1/2 luna bar

take care